"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
This has been one of those weeks that I have felt God carrying me, refining me and whispering to me throughout each day. And I know it is because I have been so in need of His presence - needing to know He is there. Needing to know He is in control. Needing to know that He is peace. Needing to know that He has purpose in ALL things. And in one of my deepest moments of need - He brought me back to this quiet verse in Psalm .... "Be still and know that I am God." What a wonderful place to rest.
God has been tugging on my heart the past few days to update the blog, and I have been pushing back on it because I haven't been ready to share what all has been going on with us. But He has continued to nudge, so here we are.
This past Saturday we had our first miscarriage. We were not very far along but were already getting so excited about adding to our family. It was a hard day just waiting to see what would happen. But as I prayed, God gave me such peace in knowing that He is in control. Although I was not fearful, the saddness was more than I was expecting. That afternoon was when God brought me to the verse in Psalm and it was like He was speaking directly to me, "Corrie, be still and know that I am God." Thank you Daddy for your precious words for they were my comfort and strength. By that evening we knew I was miscarrying and we were able the grieve the loss of that little life. It was just so sad.
After a couple of days, I really felt like I had dealt with the miscarriage and was feeling ready to move on with life (not to sound harsh). But my body was feeling very off and my stomach was a mess. I was feeling a lot of the same symptoms as when I was dealing with all the anxiety back in the winter, which was very discouraging. I got off my anxiety medication in June and had been doing so well. It was all so confusing, trying to figure out if it was a result of all the emotions I had experienced, the pregnancy hormones, anxiety, or possibly just a common stomach bug. I was very fearful of sinking back into the anxiety battle which was beyond daunting to think about.
I am thankful to say that I am doing much better now. I got on some medicine for my stomach which has helped a ton. And I am fighting off the anxiety well without any medicine. Every day I am feeling better and that is a huge praise. My biggest struggle right now is all mental. It is hard not to think about the "What Ifs" when it comes to getting pregnant again. But I know I can't dwell there.
I went to a new Bible study yesterday. We are going through Beth Moore's study of David (she has revised it) and I cannot begin to tell you how timely it is for me. What better time to do a study of a man after God's own heart, when my heart is so raw and weary. I feel like it has been used as a punching bag over the last 15 months and I am needing some time of healing. I am prayerful that that is what this study will bring. Even this morning as I was doing the first lesson - I was amazed at how thirsty I was for His Word - and how quickly I was refreshed by it. Oh God - wash me in the water of your Word!
I don't want it to sound like the last 15 months have been bad ... they have actually been amazing in so many ways. But they have also been some of the hardest of my life as well. Funny how that works. God has been refining and molding me in ways I would have never expected. But when I look at how God is equipping and preparing Bryan for ministry - I can't help but think that God is preparing me as well for whatever lies ahead for us. God has already used my struggle with anxiety to help encourage other women. What a creative and mighty God we serve.
In the midst of all of these hardships, we are so thankful to have two amazing children who are a constant source of joy for us. Drew has been potty training for a little over a week now and is doing amazing! I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it, but he has exceeded all expectations - praise God! And Jordan had her first day of preschool today and loved it! When I picked her up she was glowing. The only downer was poor Drew missed his buddy all day - it was really sweet. What a blessing that they love each other so much.
Although these last few weeks have been a roller coaster, we have had so many great things going on as well. Just to name a few: We got to see all our family in August which was so much fun. Our boy turned 3 years old - crazy. We got a mini van from some dear friends who gave us a great deal. My sister Katherine and Sean are expecting baby #2. We got to see the Zac Brown Band and Red Rocks - so cool. Bryan's new job is going great. And we are all healthy ... God is oh so good.
I would like to share a few prayer requests:
- Please pray for us as we continue to process these last few weeks. Pray for peace both emotionally and physcially.
- We are still raising support which is just hard. We are so thankful for what all we have been given and we are so tired of asking for help in this area. Please just pray that God would provide in a mighty way.
- Bryan is scheduled to graduate in May which means that we will need to start job searching soon. Please pray for guidance in this area.
Here are a few pictures from the last month:
A morning at the park for Drew's Birthday
An awesome day at Breckenridge when my Dad and Nancy were here!
Zac Brown Band at Red Rocks for $20 - awesome!!!!
First day of preschool!
Rockin' the potty training!
Ready to do some downhill mountain biking!
Fun at the lake!